Once you find the magical PlayStation patch, you'll need to get close to one, break out of stealth mode and try to grab it. Remember, only the finest game console will do for the leader of the Free World. You can judge a PS2's quality by its speed; you should avoid the slower, baby-vomit-covered ones, as they might make the president sick, or worse, make him choke and pass out, meaning an instant "game over" for you. So the faster, the better. For maximum points, try to find the "bundle" PS2s; these are the ones trapped in clear packages with memory cards, second controllers and cheap old games. They'll take about $280 off your fund meter, but are worth it, as the memory card and controller are much more difficult to find on their own, at least here.

Once you've caught a PS2, you still need to check it for overall quality. Tap the Triangle button to "thump" the PS2 as you would a melon. Ideally, you're looking for a nice, hollow sound. If tapping the box yields a wet, squishy sound, hurl it away immediately. And if, on tapping the box, you hear a ticking noise, put it back very carefully and walk away. No, I mean from the game. If the box actually ticks, there's no point in playing anymore, because the whole thing has just gotten too silly. You know, it's a beautiful day outside. Why don't you go out and play some touch football with your brother? Stop playing these unhealthy video games, they're bad for your eyes and have a long history of turning small, adorable children into Charles Manson. Maybe you can meet a nice girl, find a job, move out of the basement... no? Oh, well. We'll tell your mother we tried.

Once you find the right PlayStation 2, a path will open up to the checkout lines. Here's where it gets tricky. Maneuver past the other shoppers to find the shortest line. If you pick the right one, then you'll have only a minimal wait before the cashier rings you up and you'll have to fork over...

$303.79!?

You forgot about the sales tax! What a maroon. Press the Triangle button to overact like Shatner.