OROCHI

Taken from an Albanian orphanage at the age of two, the ninja now known as Orochi was raised with little else in mind besides the arts of espionage, theft and assassination. Distinguishing himself at an early age, Orochi quickly surpassed his fellows in training, and a middle-management position was staked out for him in advance of his training's completion.

And then came the fateful day that Orochi discovered video games. After that, he fell drastically behind, and began to show a marked lack of enthusiasm for hanging from ledges for hours on end and garrotting samurai. His superiors shook their heads and hoped it was only a phase.

Eventually, though, Orochi was viewed as a lost cause. His superiors were forced to give the management position to some guy from Minnesota. When it finally came down to a decision to set him free or kill him (sending him to military school would have been considered a personal failure on the part of his instructors), one of his masters had a last-ditch idea to save the young ninja from decadence. It was decided that by farming out Orochi to the corporation's new web design division, he might eventually shape up and recover.

So far, it's not working.